It’s just not the same

A busy week at the Baty household. Everyone is currently healthy(knock on wood!), although Jaxson’s been very touchy the past few days. I never know if it’s just a not-so-good day for him, or if it’s some grief trying to make it’s way out. He mentioned the other night about how he missed Chris playing “good guys, bad guys” with him. And of course that’s just not something that mom can do-“it’s just not the same.” I asked him what other memories he had been thinking about and all he came up with is dad going to the waterpark with him. However, he did remember that dad had to take some naps during the day while we swam and went down slides,” ‘cuz dad got tired.” I worry how much he’ll remember. He’s only six and I know how childhood memories can fade so fast. I don’t think Jaxson has any memories of what it was like before Chris got sick. Brenden’s memory goes back a little further and he’s older, so I think he’ll have a little easier time. I know right now I’m having a problem getting past the last few weeks of his life, and remembering him dying is stuck in the forfront of my memory. Seeing my kids say good-bye to him is something I really have to deal with. As much as I loved Chris, it breaks my heart every day that my children no longer have their father. I hope these memories fade more, (not that I need to forget them), and the healthy, happy days become more prominent again. I grieve for the things that Chris will miss as a father, that my children haven’t yet thought of yet and can not comprehend at this time. We went on a bike ride the other night. Jaxson just learned to ride his bike right before the first snow last year-Chris got to see him do this. I was so proud to see how well his was doing, but just wished Chris could see Jaxson’s progress from last fall. Things like that are so hard right now.

I hope everyone is enjoying the warmer weather. Thank you all agian for your prayers. It’s bath night, so I gotta go!

Love and prayers,
Karen

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “It’s just not the same

  1. Dan

    I am sure that Chris got to watch all three of you bike. It won’t be the same I know but, I think you would be great at “good guys, bad guys”. Keep up the great work.
    Love Dan
    P.S. Thanks

  2. Kent and Joy

    Dear Karen, I sure can relate to what you’re saying about the last days being prominent in your mind. Less than two years ago my Dad died of Alzhiemers. He not only was my dad but he was my closest friend. His disease robbed him of much of his dignity and pride. For along time it felt like when I thought of him it was only a picture in my mind of his declining days. I longed to picture him as the healthy, outgoing and energetic man he was. I’m happy to report the balance is shifting. In fact after my Mom’s passing I even dreamed that I saw both Mom and Dad walking toward me down the cobblestone street that was in front of our apartment in Scotland. Of course they had never been to Scotland. But it was real to me just the same. It was comforting. I wish for you the same, those great memories that you, Chris and the boys created, that they would be in the forefront of your mind. Rest assured that it will come. I can’t say when, but it will come. I would love to hear about it when it does. You and the boys continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. With love, Kent

  3. Miriam Ring

    Sending hugs and prayers your way, Karen. My heart is breaking over what you are having to go through right now. I hope you can still feel the support of those who care for you. Don’t forget to ask us for help!
    Peace,
    Miriam

  4. Nancy wolf

    Just remember Chris is watching and he is with you. Be comforted that he knows about jaxson’s progress. He’s now your guardian angel.
    Prayers and hugs.

  5. Kathy and Steve

    We continue to pray for each of you. God is giving you the strength you have now and he is unfailing.

  6. Anonymous

    Karen, you don’t know me, but I was a classmate of Chris.’ I just want you to know that although I cannot begin to fully understand what you are going through, I continue to pray for you and the boys. God will keep you strong and get you through the tough days.

  7. Cheryl Stainer

    Karen,

    A good friend of mine died about 8 or 9 years ago. At the time of my friends death, she had a daughter who was 5. Like Chris, she had cancer. Her cancer was quite rare and they tried a number of experimental cures on her. They lived in Wisconsin, but the work was being done in Massachusetts. Needless to say, she spent most of her young daughter’s life in Massachusetts for two weeks an then fly back for two (or something like that).

    Abby is this girl. I loved her mom, she was a very special friend to me. I have thought some of the very same things you are thinking about your boys and there dad over the years, except with Abby and her mom. At one point I had saved all of our letters from when she met her husband, unfortuately about 2 years before she died I threw them out. Yet I still remember a lot of things about my friend. I have a gift that I got from her that I want to be able to pass on to her daughter.

    I didn’t know my friend’s husband real well. It was my friend’s sister that called me to let me know that she had died. Thanks to facebook, I have been able to connect up with my friend’s sister and let her know that I would like to pass on some of these things about her to Abby. About a year after we made contact, she let me know that Abby has been struggling to find out more about her mom, but due to some changes in her home situation she wasn’t able to spend much time with her mom’s family. The sister contacted me to see if I had any stories to pass on to Abby. Slowly, I have been pulling them together and sharing them. They have left me with some questions about my friend, things that had never occurred to me in the past.

    Anyway, I am hoping that there are some men out there that had Chris as a friend that will come forward as the boys get older and will share their “Chris stories with you and them”. That they will have things that Chris had given to them that they will pass on to your sons with wonderful stories.

    Praying daily for you and the boys; that what you have been through and experienced will bring you to a much more beautiful place. Just wish it would happen right now!!!

    Cheryl

  8. Marja Wiinanen

    It has really been interesting to read Chris’s story and now yours. It brings back a lot of memories of the before, after and since. I think now about what pain it was that I felt and thought for sure I would never recover from. Then time passed and you worry about what will you remember and what you won’t and more time passed and I would realize I haven’t thought about my mother dying all day…but then all of the sudden something hits and bring a strong emotion. There are times too that I wanted to have a strong emotion and nothing came to me. Grief is strange. There are times that I just wanted to hug it and live in it. Other times I wanted it to not be a part of my life. One thing that it does is shape you. It will shape the boys and you. You and the boys will have just a little bit different look at life than everyone else. Sorry I am rambling I guess reading your blog just makes me return to thinking about losing a parent at a young age. It hurts it really really hurts, but for me the blessing has been the relationship that I have with my sister would never have been as close. That has been really incredible. Also there will always be people that out of the blue years later come up to your boys and ask if they were Chris Baty’s boys. And then share a story about their father with them. They will constantly be learning new things about their father. Okay enough for today. Take care, I think of you and the boys often.

  9. Debbie

    Karen,
    Reading this made me so sad for you and the boys. When I see you walking or biking in the neighborhood my thoughts about you are how amazing you are. I watch you smile and chat like things are normal, knowing deep down they are not. You are such a strong person, with so many people helping you and so many more who want too. I wish I could think of something big or small to do for you and the boys that would bring a smile to your face “just because”. If you ever think of something please let me know. Take care and know that my thoughts are prayers are with you every day.

    Debbie

  10. Melissa Christenson

    Karen,
    Have faith that Chris’s soul is still looking for you and the boys. I pray for you and the boys every day as you go through these tough times and recreating your days…
    ~Melissa

  11. PAT

    Karen & boys,
    There are just no words that can express how much we all feel about your pain of loss& lonelyness & knowing that the boys will not have their Dad with them as they grow however we do know that they have one heck of a fantastic Mom & Karen, I do not say that liteley . we have all watched you hold on tight to those boys with a deep sense of love & commitment as Chris fought his battle with the horrfic demons of cancer!! The dark days will come 7 go but with alot of love of people around you there will be rays of more & more sunshine!! Try very hard to hold onto those days. And remember you are never alone I am sure that you are a phone call away from love!!! you know my #

  12. Heather Tidd

    Thinking of you!

  13. Greg Strock

    Thank you so much for sharing what’s in your heart Karen. You bless us when you do that. And you help us know how to pray for you and the boys.

  14. Taisa Diedrich

    Dear Karen,
    I have not read the blog since Chris passed…..I am happy to see you are still writing however. I think it is such a healing thing to do. It seems you and the boys are doing as well as can be expected and are taking good, good care of yourselves and allowing the emotions to be real. I know that is so hard to do….

    I continue to think of you and your boys and Chris. I continue to send prayers your way.

    As my 5 year old recently said to me about my Mom, “She is always in your heart and watching over you.” Chris is the same with you and your boys.

    Taisa

  15. Kristine (Murphy) Ihrke

    Karen, your comment about reliving the last few weeks really struck home with me. Until you lose someone very close to you it’s hard to understand. I lost my mother last July and I re-live my last weeks with her. It has faded some which gives me hope that in the future more happy memories will surface. I’m glad you’re posting as much as you need. It helps to reach to everyone and to no one. Some times you just want to talk and share. Know there are listeners out here that feel for you.

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