Another tough one..

Good evening to all! The boys and I are doing ok. Yesterday I went and ordered the marker for the grave. Not a fun task. So many options for such a simple marker. My parents went with me to help me out. After we picked out the marker we stopped to see Chris. It was quite hard to be there. It was a beautiful day and all I could do was stand and cry over the grave. I think it won’t be quite so bad once the grass grows over the dirt, and it doesn’t seem like it was just yesterday he was here with me. During the course of my week I can at least forget for periods of time that he’s gone, but standing at his grave is a hard, cold reality for me. There’s just no denying he’s gone when I’m there. I showed the kids a mock up of the marker and they thought it was fine. Brenden seems to have concerns about going to the grave site. It’s very difficult for all of us. I told him we would wait until next month. I think they need a little more time before I take them there. I always think if something is hard for me, it will be worse for them. I know I’m wrong in some cases, but I’d rather error on the side of caution. That’s part of my “Momma Bear” make-up. Jaxson’s been really out-of-sorts for the past few weeks, very touchy. Brenden’s been a little that way too, just not as much.

I hope everyone is doing well. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. It means a lot to us!

Happy Dreams!



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9 responses to “Another tough one..

  1. Matt Phelps

    Hi Karen, I do not believe you and I have ever actually met. I don’t remember the last time I have seen Chris. It has been quite a few years, maybe ten or so. Although, we have been friends for a long time. We spent quite a lot of time together in our 9th through 12th grade years. A Great Man! Thanks for keeping up with your posts, it has to be very difficult for you. I, as many, sincerely appreciate it.


  2. Suzy Welch


    I can’t imagine what your going through. I think about you and the boys often. I hope that things get easier for you especially with Brendan and Jackson. I’m guessing they aren’t quite sure how to express their feelings. God bless you and your all still in our prayers.

  3. Kelli

    Oh, Karen, I wish we could be there with you to just silently give you a long hard hug. I wish I could just grab some pieces of your pain. Your love and your pain for Chris is so deep in your heart.
    Karen, I’ve thought many time about sending you a card, but I just can’t. What can Hallmark really say about all this? A card that Randy received a few weeks ago struck me however.
    “Though you cannot always see the bird singing, if you listen with your heart, you can always hear his song. ”
    Praying for you.

  4. Randy

    I continue to be amazed at your strength and find myself daydreaming about Chris and wondering how you are managing to keep it together. We think about you guys every day.

    The image of you with your boys at the graveside is one that Kelli and I will never forget–I hope the memory of it fades a little for you:)

    Kelli is leaving a comment on your blog from the other computer right now–it will be interesting to see if we double up on our topics!

    We’ve been trying to give you a little space after your last hectic months, but hope to talk to you soon.

  5. The Cabanaw's

    I see your boys playing outside, riding their bikes in the yard and everything looks so normal, then I see your Dad (I think) doing yardwork and that reminds me that things are not quite the same at your house, it should be Chris out there. We miss seeing him on our walks, we often ran into him when we were out and about. I work for Hallmark and we say there is a card for every occasion but like your friend Kelli I have not come across it yet. Love to you and the boys……angela

  6. PAT

    THERE ARE NO WORDS! We all know the pain of Chris’s loss for each of us out here,can not imagine yours!! Prayers always for more sunshine in your days peace in your heart!! There is a lot of love & hugs out there for all 3 of you!!

  7. Marja

    The grave site is a hard one. I still don’t like to go and I really don’t think of my mother as being there. My sister never wanted to go with my Dad but on her own I think she goes at least once a year and sometimes more. But when we were kids it was just not something we wanted to see. It still is weird concept to me that we die get buried and then a stone put on top. The boys will let you know. They might want to go or one of them will and you will take them and they might just want to sit in the car and not get out. They will let you know what they can handle and God will guide you through the “but I really think they need a push here” thoughts. Hope that makes sense. Thinking of you.

  8. Laurie Thulien

    A few of us “south of the river” girls would like to meet up with you for lunch one day next week if you are up for it. We are all thinking of you everyday!
    I think you have my number. Let me know what works for you.

    You and the boys are in my daily prayers.

  9. Alicia Hunt-Welch

    Hi Karen. I have been thinking about you. Just read your last two posts. The comments about how difficult it is to remember his last days, and stand by that grave; I understand what you mean. I remember after my brother passed away from cancer, one of my sisters gave me some pics she took of him at his weakest and from his funeral. After that the only way I could picture him was in that state. I hated it. That was not the way I wanted to remember him. I eventually throw the pics away because so I could focus on the other memories I had of him.
    Chris’ spirit is with you – no matter where you and the boys are. And I believe those times when you think about him, its because his spirit is near you. He’s by your side with his hand on your shoulder.
    The grave site…it can wait.
    Take care and remember, Your always in my thoughts.

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